Hello, and welcome to Unshakeable with Human Design, everybody. I’m your host, Nicole Laino. You and I are here together today to talk about deconditioning. I want to talk about it a little bit differently than most people talk about deconditioning because I come at it from a different place.

So For those of you who don’t know, before I even found human design, I was a mindset coach, I am an NLP practitioner, I am an EFT practitioner. I have all of these modalities that I worked with. And the reason that I worked with them was because I had lots of blocks. I felt like I had what I called inner glass ceilings.

I was always bumping my head up against some ceiling that I knew in my heart was of my own making somehow. That I was in my own way. And it drove me nuts. It drove me bananas. Because I’m working so hard, I’m so capable, I know that I’m made for more. I know that these struggles are something that I can overcome.

And I had, enough knowledge, I had enough intuition to know that the obstacles that are put in front of me, they’re not what they seem. That I’m not a victim of my circumstance. That just because something is happening in my life doesn’t mean that it’s my lot in life and I can’t overcome it.

I think there was always a sense in me that I was like, I know I can break through this. I know that just because this is what’s in front of me does not mean that this is the way it’s going to stay forever. I know I have the power to change things. However, when I came at it from a perspective of trying to change beliefs through modalities like NLP, or journaling or things like that, I would get somewhere, but I wasn’t able to fully get there.

EFT really blew the doors off for me. But so many of you know me for human design, and I want to talk about the relationship to healing modalities and to emotional clearing and human design, because human design I use as the map. Human design can tell us where our tendencies are to fall into shadow, where we might have the stickiest stuff.

And if we do understand where we’re stuck or where we are not really feeling flow and we’re not experiencing our potential, we’re experiencing more challenge, it gives us a point of reference to say, maybe we should look around here. I use the analogy of if you were digging for gold and someone told you there’s a buried treasure somewhere in Texas.

You might dig forever and never find the treasure that’s somewhere in Texas. But if I told you that the treasure was somewhere in my backyard, then you’d probably find it given enough time. And if you kept looking, right? So, human design gives us the map to say here’s the backyard, why don’t you start digging here and see what you find?

That’s the difference between, I think, the way that I look at deconditioning. I look at it from a more holistic approach. I don’t look at it purely through human design. I think human design gives us a great first step because it can feel like when we’re trying to decondition or we’re going to talk about negative beliefs, we’re going to talk about limiting beliefs.

We’re going to talk about unwanted behavior and changing our behavior. We’re going to talk about that today. I’m going to take you through the five phases that belief go through in our experience. I’ve broken this down into five phases just to try to get this concept to be understood a little bit easier.

I wanted to break this down in a way that made you understand like, Oh, I get how I was in phase two for a really long time and that this was the next step and this is why. And I also wanted to bring up that just because you worked on a belief once I had a client the other day who said, Oh, I felt like I worked through that belief.

I felt like I was past it. I felt like that was gone. And the truth is that they’re really never gone. And one thing that human design teaches us is that all of the energies that we have in our chart, so every definition that we have in our chart. All of the bridging gates, if you’re a small split, all of these potential gifts, they all have the ability to fall into shadow.

Shadow and gift are the same thing, just a different end of the spectrum from each other. So, my gate of confusion, the low end of that spectrum is confusion, the high end of that spectrum is illumination. That the level of clarity that I get on things that other people can’t touch after I’ve overcome confusion is incredible.

But do I experience confusion regularly? Absolutely. I just spend less time there. But now beyond that, we have beliefs and unconscious things that drive our behavior. These are the things that keep us stuck. Now the way that I look at beliefs is different than a lot of people. I don’t look at them from an intellectual standpoint and I’m going to break down how you actually have sustainable growth and you actually really overcome a belief and stay in the space of overcoming it rather than always feeling like this thing pulls you right back to where you started.

That three steps forward, maybe three steps back or two steps back where you never really feel like you break away. Now, I look at that, it’s the emotions that tie us to our past. It is our past traumas. It isn’t about knowing about them. It is not about intellectually understanding where your trauma came from.

Just because you can tie it to an event in your life, or to a person, or to a way you were treated, or to your upbringing. Just because you can tie it to that. Does not mean that, that alone will overcome it. In fact, if it’s real trauma, it will not. Why? Because trauma doesn’t live in your mind, it lives in your body.

It lives in your emotions. It triggers your nervous system to protect you from experiencing that pain again. It becomes an unconscious pattern that we have to keep ourselves safe. So, understanding that it isn’t about understanding it, it isn’t about intellectualizing it. This is where that phrase, you’ve gotta feel it to heal it, that’s where it comes from.

Because if you continue to protect yourself from the emotional state that scares you, you will not be able to overcome it. The emotion will continually pull you back because it’s not safe to go into it. So we have to face it head on. So let me break this down for you into these kind of five stages just so I can break this down for you a little bit differently.

If you are experiencing an income ceiling or you’re unable to take action consistently, we lose momentum, this happens a lot, where you run really hard towards something, you push through and then you have to take a lot of time off or you find that you’re self sabotaging by doing something like this.

Taking a lot of time off, which feels like self care, but really, you’re just recovering from abusing yourself and pushing through your nervous system response. That you’re over exerting yourself. All of these are symptoms of not being in alignment with your body. yourself of pushing through limiting beliefs that you have and I want to take you through these five phases of beliefs just so you can understand our relationship to them.

So let’s break this down, okay? the first stage of a belief is being completely unconscious to it. So in that phase, you’re going to be probably unaware of the behavior or the belief. This is where victim consciousness comes from, and maybe if you’re listening to this show, you might be a more conscious person, so maybe you don’t find yourself there as often, but you probably know people who do, right?

Where you can see exactly what’s driving them, you can see how they are, self sabotaging themselves. You can see how they are constantly in a similar pattern. You ever have somebody in your life where you kind of know what’s going to happen with them. They say they’re going to do something and they’re going to disappear for a while and then they’re going to show back up and they’re going to have a new idea.

And you see their pattern of self sabotage. But they’re unaware of it. That’s the first phase. You’re completely unconscious and unaware of it. And those people typically can tend to feel like they are victims. Where it’s outside circumstances that are causing the problems in their life.

They’re not looking inward. They’re not saying, I know that I’m creating this somehow. They’re looking at the outside world and saying, well, it’s because I don’t have enough followers, or it’s because this person didn’t come through for me, or it’s because I can’t find the right team, or it’s because my husband doesn’t support me doing these things, or I don’t have enough money, or I don’t have this.

There’s always a reason. Beware of your excuses. They will always tell you why you don’t have what you want. That is a little side note right there. So that first stage you feel like you’re in groundhog day.

The same pattern comes up. Here we are again. When’s the shoe going to drop? The second phase, you become belief aware. And this is where a lot of people live. So in belief aware, there’s an intellectual understanding of the belief. I know I have this limiting belief, that money is evil, and that comes from my mom. So usually in this phase, you’ll know you’re in this phase if you’re doing a lot of journaling. You’ve been writing about things. If someone asked you about your limiting beliefs, you can recite where it came from, who caused it, oh this is from my mother because she was this way, my mother wouldn’t spend any money and we didn’t have any money growing up so all I heard was that, we can’t afford it all the time so that’s why I have this belief.

And a lot of times people are spending way too much time doing detective work, trying to figure out what’s that core moment, what is that origin story of this belief? And while that may be useful. Most people find it more fascinating than they find it useful. It does not clear the belief.

Because, think about it, I’m going to give a very extreme example here. But if you were attacked, if you were raped, if you were beaten, you would know exactly where trauma came from, right? But that doesn’t mean that knowing that it happened at that event would change the way that you feel, right?

It’s not going to get rid of the trauma. You have to feel the feelings. You have to realize where you are closing off to feeling them. You have to go through trauma therapy in order to overcome that. Like I said, that’s a very extreme example. But I’m using it because when there are events, we can look at the event and we can say like, oh, I know where it came from.

But you probably would understand, an event like that, just knowing the event occurred, would not heal the trauma of that event, right? So I want to draw that. It’s the same thing though. If you can point to, well, it was this time when my dad made me feel like a POS and told me I was a failure and I would never amount to anything.

I know it came from that moment because I felt it. That is wonderful information. If only information could make that feeling go away. Now this brings us to the third stage. We go from being intellectually aware, belief aware, to actually being pattern aware. That we see that moment caused a feeling, that you’re able to see a pattern.

So when my father told me that I was worthless and I would never amount to anything, And I felt like I was a total failure in that moment. It isn’t about what he said. It isn’t about that moment or you intellectually thinking that you’re a failure because maybe you’ve been very successful. But the belief inside of you. That emotional connection to that moment is what is important and that’s what will drive patterns of behavior that keep you from feeling that pain again.

It isn’t logical, this process of deconditioning. Oh, if it were, it would be so much easier, and we’d all be healed by now. But you can’t heal emotions with thoughts. Only emotions can heal emotions. And the way that we heal an emotion is to feel the emotion. So I am an EFT practitioner and that is called emotional freedom technique.

This is my modality of choice for diving into emotions so that we can actually overcome them. This is what changes people. This is the work that when I can take a client and I can think of many, most of my clients will say that this is the most transformational work that they’ve done.

That human design gives you an ability to see yourself differently, to see yourself through a different window, to see yourself for your gifts. To notice your shadows, to know what to look out for, so you can be more pattern aware in this third stage. And then you can take that the next step deeper and dive into the emotional connection that you have to that pattern.

So it isn’t about the fact that he told you, you were a failure. it’s that maybe that made you feel like you were unlovable or something was just wrong with you. Now you get to see that when you can see the pattern of it isn’t so much that you feel like a failure, but that feeling like you’re no good, that you are not lovable, that will keep you from putting yourself in situations where your lovability might be questioned. Because your nervous system will try to keep you safe from feeling that pain all over again.

So I don’t ever want to feel like I’m unlovable again and that was how my father made me feel that day. If we’re going with this example that I was just giving. So say your father made you feel unlovable that day, or you determined that, that’s the feeling, the core, deep rooted feeling that he made you feel.

Now, when you put yourself out there, when you go to sell your products, or when you go to tell somebody that you can help them, or when you go to pitch yourself to be on a podcast. Worthiness is what comes up here. Unlovable is going to make you feel fundamentally unworthy of certain things. What those things are going to be very individual to the person.

But that’s where you can start to notice where that feeling causes a pattern of behavior and now this is the part where people stop. Logically they’re like, oh well I see how that’s doing that. Now will it stop? Now that I can see it, and it’ll help, you’ll be able to see it, and eventually this can be enough.

But you have to go through stages 4 and 5 first, and I’ll talk about how this comes around, where you might repeat some of these steps again with the same belief. But we start off with okay, we see the pattern, we see how this is showing up, I see how this feeling of being unlovable, not being safe, that I’m not supported, whatever the belief is, whatever the feeling is that you’re protecting yourself from, you see the pattern showing up, but you can’t stop there.

Now what you have to do is you go into stage four, which is emotionally clearing this belief, not intellectually. That’s what journaling does. and journaling can be a great Kickstarter, but I use EFT because the way that I do it, I get real down and dirty with the emotions, but we go into that emotion.

We have to go into the dark room. that we’ve been afraid of, that has somebody inside pulling the strings that we can’t see. We’ve got to go into that room and turn on the light. And that’s what EFT does. That’s what emotionally going in and daring to feel the feeling that scares us to death. Suddenly.

brings the monster into the light and you realize that the monster was not a monster at all. The monster was some scared version of you. And now it no longer has power. And once you work through that, once you do that, then you’ve deactivated the trigger. Because what the emotional pattern is, before you do this work, it triggers all over the place.

Now they might be triggers that make you angry. They might be triggers that cause you to go into what we call fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Your nervous system gets triggered, and then you have whatever behavior that you kick into once that goes off. So you might be somebody who is a detacher.

You might be somebody who runs away from things. You might avoid stuff that might be your brand of nervous system triggering. So we have to watch out for this. We have to see this and by going emotionally into it, you deactivate that trigger. So this is how we change our lives and we change it for good and not something where we work through the problem while it’s in front of us, we push through only to find out that it comes back a week later or the next day or a month later.

We’re constantly slaying the same dragon. So we deactivate the triggers. That’s how you change your life. That’s how you put yourself in the same exact situation, only you no longer have an emotional charge to the situation that you’re putting yourself in. That’s when you show up differently.

That’s when people react to you differently as well. We don’t realize how much of the problems that we have with other people are actually just us triggering each other. And if we can deactivate our triggers, we’re no longer feeding into that energetic exchange. And that’s how relationships with everybody around us start to change.

I love that quote from Ram Dass, who says, only thing that I can do for myself is work on me. The only thing I can do for you is work on myself. That’s what this is about. We work on ourselves and we help others. But you have to dare to go into the emotions. And most people stop at the intellectual understanding.

And they spend so much time and energy diving into the detective work. I tell my clients with lots of love in my business by design mentorship,

Ready to break free from your past and create the future you desire? Don’t miss out on Decondition & Expand: Turn Your Past Into Wisdom & Manifest Your Desires in 4 Months.

I tell them all the time, as a person, I care about you and I care about your pain, but. I would rather you just dig into what you feel right now. And the feeling will tell you all you need to know. You don’t need to know where it came from. In fact, it probably didn’t come from where you think it came from.

And it probably goes way deeper and starts before you even have necessarily a memory of any event happening or any person coming into your life. It’s something that will come out because it’s emotionally blocked. It’s not intellectually blocked. But your mind will protect you from uncovering too much because your mind is here to keep you safe.

It’s not here to make you successful. So this is very scary for your mind. And this is one of those reasons too why human design works so well is because it takes the power away from our mind so we stop listening to it. So we do end up going into the scarier places because we’re trusting something different.

If we dare. So by going in and feeling the feelings and diving into the feeling, not the belief itself. Then we get to move beyond the belief. Then we get to change our emotional state permanently or semi permanently, and I’ll get to that in just a second, about what I mean by that. But we get to change it in a sustainable way.

Where it stays changed, where we actually change, not just for the moment. Now the fifth stage is something that became very, very clear to me recently. I had a moment with this. I call it “New Level, New Devil.” And you probably heard that saying when we start to, climb and we get through the next level, the next time we’re trying to get to the next level after that, we’re going to have new dragons to slay.

I call this like hunting horcruxes. It’s like Voldemort and Harry Potter. I read a lot of Harry Potter with my, six year old. Voldemort and Harry Potter had all of these little amulets, seven of them, that held a little piece of his soul. And he couldn’t be killed until you got to all of them.

and you destroyed them all. I see this phase as like hunting horcruxes. Every time you reach a new level, there’s another little piece of this hidden someplace that we have to destroy before we can move on. Because it’s often not new dragons that we have to slay, it’s the same one that came back in a different way.

But here’s the good news. Because you might be saying, oh god, I’m gonna deal with this for the rest of my life. Maybe. Like I said, some of the shadows that we have in our human design chart, human design can show us, these are the things that we’re probably going to deal with forever.

I’ll deal with confusion until the day that I die. But the way that I deal with confusion is very, very different. I don’t have an emotional connection to confusion very much anymore. I feel it very differently. I don’t get all worked up. I can observe it. I can see it. I can be still with it and I can let it pass.

But there are more emotional ones as well. Like, I have the gait of conflict. Will conflict always come up? Yes. Will friction always come up? Yes. But will I be dealing with it in a way that I am, wanting to break away from it so badly that I cause a highly emotional situation? Or can I be still with it?

And create an emotional frequency, realizing I have an emotional frequency that other people feel. It changes. We grow, this gets better. But here’s the thing, as you try to go to the new level, there’s going to be new worthiness that you’re faced with. So, like, Jamie Kern Lima at the Powerhouse Women event that I was at, last week, she was talking about meeting Oprah, and this was her lifelong dream of meeting Oprah.

And then she meets Oprah, she has lunch with Oprah, Oprah gives her personal phone number. And she didn’t call Oprah for four years because she did not feel worthy of calling her, of being Oprah’s friend. This is a woman who sold her company for a billion dollars.

She’s highly accomplished. She seems like a beautiful soul. I don’t know her. I’m not gonna pretend to know her, but the way she presented herself she felt like a big, giant, open heart on the stage there. She was lovely. There was no intellectual reason for her to feel that, but as she got to that level, I’m sure she feels worthy of being lots of people’s friends.

But Oprah was a new level of challenge for her own worthiness. So we’re always going to have that. And here’s the good news. It doesn’t carry the same level of emotional charge as it does at the beginning. Because you’ve already turned on the light. You’ve already seen what’s there. It’s like, hello old friend.

There you are. You’re unannounced. I was not expecting you. I didn’t think you’d be back ever or for quite a while, but okay, let’s do this again. And you welcome them back in and you look them in the face rather than running away like you used to. You don’t have to go through that unaware phase. You don’t have to go through that belief aware phase.

You go right to that pattern aware where you’re like, okay, I know what to do now. And you emotionally clear it and you work through it. So for me, when I see these, beliefs come up. Like, I have a belief I’ll share with you right now, I have a belief that people don’t like me. And, I know that’s not true.

That stems from a feeling of being unlovable that’s one of mine. As a child, I did not feel like I was lovable. Again, not intellectually, does not make sense. Lots of evidence of me being loved. But there was emotional trauma there that I had to work through. I have worked through that.

It’s very different now. But it is sort of like a hello old friend because as I start to put myself out there in bigger ways, as I start to ask people to like me, I ask them for favors. I ask them for visibility or for us to collaborate on something or to step into a bigger version of myself where I say like I’m worthy of this next level.

It requires people to do that. I have to make connections. So this pushes a button for me. But I know what to do and I’m not unconscious to it. I’m not unaware of it and I’m not afraid of it. I can look at it with a smile and I can say, there you are. We’re going to do this. All right. I got my eye on you.

We’ll do this. I’m not going to let this stop me. But I can work through it and how I describe it with my clients is, there’s a big misconception in the human design world that once you learn human design everything is smooth sailing and there’s no obstacles and there’s nothing for you to deal with.

I say that human design can help turn you down your path and help you understand, am I going in the right direction? Is this correct for me or is it not? And how did that come from a really true place in your heart? And then you can run and feel comfortable going all in on that path, on that direction for yourself.

And then you’re going to run and eventually you’re going to hit a wall. And what I promise my clients is I can’t promise you that there will be no walls. What I can promise you is that when you come to one and you run into it, I will give you the tools to kick it down and I will be right there by your side when you’re doing it.

I will help you kick the wall down. And I’ll be there for the next one as long as you want me to be. That is the promise that I make. So it isn’t that we’re going to eliminate walls. We just get better at kicking them down. The walls get thinner, they are flimsy, as you get down the pike like that, People don’t like me wall. Doesn’t even feel like a wall anymore. It’s like a hedge that keeps growing back. I’m just gonna chop it down and, be there. It’s fine. I’ll put some weed killer on it. it changes. Same issue but comes back in a very different way.

So, that’s the shift. As you’re listening to this, what phase do you feel like you’re in with these beliefs? Do you feel like you can see your patterns? Do you know what the beliefs are? Do you feel like you’re emotionally in tune and you have emotionally worked through things? Or do you feel like you’re in that like step four, step five phase where you’ve emotionally cleared things and now you just have new level, new devil?

What phase are you at? It’s a good assessment tool for you to be able to look at and understand where you are. So you understand what is the tool that I need to pull out of the toolbox. What stage am I at so I know what’s the one that’s next that I’m trying to get to. And it can give you a little bit of a clue into exactly how you can go about reaching your next level.

What’s the work that you need to do, not the work somebody else is telling you. If you’re interested in doing this work, 

Ready to break free from your past and create the future you desire? Don’t miss out on Decondition & Expand: Turn Your Past Into Wisdom & Manifest Your Desires in 4 Months.

we are actually going to do a program in October called Decondition and Expand. This is currently what I teach my Business by Design mentorship clients. This is the library that they have.

This is all of my EFT work, breath work, nervous system regulation work, and expansion is what I’m adding to this of showing you how to clear out the old, clear out all of the emotions and patterns that are holding you to your past. Aligning using human design so that you’re aiming toward the correct future for you and casting a vision that is in alignment with where you want to go.

Being able to dream big. There are these three elements that I find to growth. You have to be able to cut the cord of what’s holding you back and also be casting a really strong vision towards something. So that you aren’t just healing all the time and falling in love with healing. So if you’re interested in doing this deep work, if you’re interested in having this toolbox built and building it along with us. 

Ready to break free from your past and create the future you desire? Don’t miss out on Decondition & Expand: Turn Your Past Into Wisdom & Manifest Your Desires in 4 Months.

We are in pre sale for this right now.

If you DM me the word EXPAND, On Instagram, I’m @NicoleLainoOfficial. we will send you the links for this. We are in pre sale for this right now. So we’re selling the program. We are not officially launching it until October, but if you want to get in for, a very, very reduced price, you can do so now.

So DM me the word expand on Instagram and we’ll send you the details. There are not so many details available just yet because we are in presale, but we will give you everything that we have. And as more details are released, we will increase the price. Eventually we will launch it in October. 

Ready to break free from your past and create the future you desire? Don’t miss out on Decondition & Expand: Turn Your Past Into Wisdom & Manifest Your Desires in 4 Months.

You can also go to nicolelaino.com/expand, and you can find the information there as well. 

So I hope you found this helpful. I hope that these stages helped clear up what the process looks like. And remember, in order to have an unshakeable business, you must first become an unshakeable human. So thanks for letting us help you become unshakeable with human design, everybody.

We’ll see you next time.